徵得原作同意,放在這邊做SOP教學範例用。

收到原作的SOP是 2014年一月底,當初只有簡單的回覆,

不過後來原作想申請了另外的領域,

在2015 四月初,剛好有空檔,幫忙改了一下,

主要是我很欣賞原作很仔細去搜索學校資料的態度。

 

原作寫給我的信中說明的問題點是:

1) 大學時期GPA不高,只求不被二一,大學時期沒什麼特別的事蹟可以寫。

2) 但大學時期有做餐廳外場的打工經驗。

3) 主修是會計經濟類,對做貿易或行銷的工作很有興趣。

 

 

 

----------------------------------------

以下是原始的SOP.

"If I have seen a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants"

//xination: 原作用個quote來當作開頭。另外再最後第二段還有呼應,所以我覺得是不錯的方式。 但我最後還是把這句刪掉了。因為感覺上刪掉後主旨也不會改變。另外開頭只寫一句名言,這也有些突兀。

 

 

 

I graduated from the Public Finance department of XXX University. I majored in Accounting, Tax law and Economics.

//xination:原作的第二句就只有兩句話。 只敘述大學從哪裡畢業以及就讀哪種科系。 這樣是令我覺得有些突兀,另外寫法是點太單調些。

 

 

When I was in college, I had a part time job as a stewardess. Even though it was only a part time job, I tried my best. For example, I literally ordered all the items in the menu in order to get to know well about our products, so that I was able to suggest costumers the type of meals they may like when they have no idea what to choose. I would suggest the costumers more cost-effective meals rather than the expensive or high priced ones. I want to make a win-win situation between the customers and my employer. I believe that they were satisfied with their dining experience every time they came to the restaurant and had become the regulars as well. The most delightful time was when I saw the costumers walked out with smiles on their faces.

//xination:原作的第三段,有非常大的邏輯斷層,讓人很難銜接第二段的資訊。所以我後來把第一段改成一種mini-summary的形式來表達。

//stewardess 是女空服人員,這邊有用字的錯誤。

// products 會讓誤解成產品、而不是吃的品項。。

// I would suggest the costumers more cost-effective meals rather than ... 這句不太順。

 

 

 

Through this job, I realized that I am really interested in the sales and marketing fields, so I selected the Marketing, SWOT and Business correspondence courses in college to enhance my knowledge.

//xination:原作的第四段,前後邏輯跳太大,我的猜想是原作想把打工的經驗與學業上的部分做連結,但這邊的敘述過於牽強。而且特別獨立出來,但又沒有更深入的表達,反而造成反效果。

 

 

 

After graduated from school, I recruited jobs such as sales specialist and marketing sales, but it was in vain since I had no experience and what I studied in school was not-major relative to those positions. Afterwards, I worked in a real estate company as the administrator. Even though it was not my ideal job, I put my full effort to my job, I established my organizing and my Word processing abilities had significant progressed ever since. I realized if you are attentive to even the most negligible things, you will be able to learn something from it.

//xination:原作的第五段

// recruit 不是這樣用的

// "It was in vain Since I had no experience .." 個人覺得這表達太過負面,而且用字不是很順暢。

// "Word processing abilities" ,我是覺得會太瑣碎並且與申請學校方面沒很相關的連結,後來我改成用organzation ability來取代。

 

 

One day, I received a phone call from my present boss. He invited me to take an interview, and I was recruited as a sales assistant. I had no experience regarding sales, however, thanks to the systematic training of our company, I was able to deal with my first order from our customer in a short period of time. After I got familiar with my job, I volunteered to share some jobs with our international salesmen in order to gain my experience of international trading. Meanwhile, I went to a cram school learning the techniques of computer software, such us Photoshop, Painter and Auto CAD 2D、3D to enhance my occupational skills.

 //xination:原作的第六段,

// "I volunteered to share some jobs..." 這句並不太順暢。

// 使用" cram school" 並不是很好的方式來說電腦補習班,因為它不是考試升學的那種cram school.

 

 

I was getting more familiar with my job, and then I started to have a strong will to take challenges in different fields, such as sales marketing and business management. Nevertheless I found out that it was not easy for me to have my self-breakthrough. I need more professional trainings. Besides, when I was looking for jobs before my current one, I realized it was quite difficult to be recruited by a company from a specific field when you have no experience or background. Therefore I initiated the idea of studying for a Master’s degree. Plus, if I want to get into a higher position, a Master’s degree is definitely one of the most basic requirements. Even though my current working condition is good, my boss and colleagues are very nice, I am firm with the idea of quitting my job and start preparing to apply for a Master’s degree.

 //xination:原作的第七段,敘述的很誠懇,我很喜歡。之後只有幫原作再改善選字方面的問題。

 

 

 

After I did my self-evaluation, the reason why I decided to go to United Kingdom rather than staying in Taiwan is because of that it only takes one year to finish a Master’s degree in UK, and the other benefit is that I can immediately come back to Taiwan and begin to work again soon. Besides, the world is like a global village nowadays, I believe that studying abroad will absolutely lead my thoughts to a more advanced level.

 //xination:原作的第八段。讓讀者知道原作仔細想過生涯規劃,這是很棒的點。 但是後面的 "the world is like a global village..." 這句太過籠統,且不需要。

 

I reviewed the curriculum of more than 15 schools, and studied each school’s characteristics and teaching techniques carefully. I think your school suits me the most in every way, especially your Marketing courses. I am very interested in Marketing Communication and Marketing Strategy, I have decided to take your elective Knowledge Management to reinforce my deficiency. Besides, the great living environment and the perfect school facilities are all very attempting to me.

 //xination:原作的第九段。 對碩士生來說,課程的設計是一個很重要的選擇,因為每個program都有他的偏向。我很欣賞原作知道自己缺乏什麼,想要學什麼,而且查的很清楚。

 

As one of Newton’s saying: “If I have seen a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants”. l believe that except for real experiences, the vocational advising and sufficient theories will make me stand higher. And I am certain that your rich course selections, resources and the professional teaching could be the giant’s shoulder in my career.

//xination:原作的第十段。這段是個串場作用。

 

I sincerely appreciate your consideration regarding my application and I shall look forward to hearing from you soon.

//xination:原作的第十一段。簡單的結尾。

 

 


xination 修改之後的SOP.

 

I earned my bachelor degree in Accounting, Tax law and Economics from the department of Public Finance department at XX University, Taiwan. After having working for five years as a sales assistant, I reflect what I have done and what I am aspire to do in the next five years. I realize your master program can provide me the most necessary background and expertise for me to get a higher position. I am sincerely looking forward to join your program in the near future.

 //改成mini-summary的形式來表達

 

Back to the time when I was in college, I had a special part-time job experience as a waitress, and that made me realize I am really interested in the field of sales and marketing. Although it was only a part-time job, I ordered and tried out all the items in the menu for the sake of getting better understanding about our meals, and hence I was able to recommend costumers the meals they may like. Many of my customers became regularly frequent our restaurant, and I believed the excellent dining experience was the key point. The most delightful thing was when I saw the costumers walked out with smiles on their faces. Thereafter I selected many courses related to Marketing, SWOT and Business due to my passion in sales.

 //主要的修改: 把打工的經驗特別化,"a special part-time job experience", 還有把選課與sales的關連性建立 "due to my passion in sales."

 

After graduation I got several job positions such as a sales specialist and a marketing salesperson. My first job is to work as an administrator in a real estate company. During this period I significantly advanced my abilities in organizing and document processing. This job taught me “if you are attentive to even the most negligible things, you will be able to learn something from it. Be positive every time.”

 //主要的修改: 刪除不必要的負面敘述、改用比較正面的說法。

 

 

One day, I received a phone call from my current boss, and he invited me to take a job interview to be a sales assistant. I had no formal experience regarding sales, but many thanks to the systematic training of my company, and I was able to deal with my first customer order in a short period of time. After being familiar with my job, I volunteered to help our international salesmen since I was also interested in gaining my experience in international trading. Meanwhile, I went to a software school to learn such as Photoshop, Painter and Auto CAD 2D3D to enhance my occupational skills, and now I can confidently manipulate Auto CAD to design graphs for our company.

 //主要的修改:選字上的加強,句子在完整些,比方說補上"and now I can confidently manipulate Auto CAD to design graphs for our company."

 

As I was much adept at my current job, and then I started to have a strong desire to take further challenges in different fields, such as sales marketing and business management. Nevertheless I find out it is not easy for me to have self-breakthrough. I need more professional training. When looking for jobs before my current one, I learned it was quite difficult to get a job offer from a field in which I had bare experience or background. Therefore I initiated the idea of pursuing a Master’s degree. If I want to get into a higher position, a Master’s degree is definitely one of the most basic requirements. Even though my current working condition is satisfactory, I am determined with the idea of quitting my job and starting to prepare for applying to a Master’s degree for XXX field.

 //主要的修改:選字上的加強。

 // 但其實我還有些看不順眼的地方,像是 "Nevertheless I found out it is not easy.." 這樣寫好像太單調些,或者是用字太easy, 但後來覺得還可以接受,不是太大的麻煩。

 

 

After I did my self-evaluation, the reason why I decide to go to United Kingdom rather than staying in Taiwan is because it only takes one year to finish a Master’s degree in UK, and the other benefit is that I can immediately come back to Taiwan and begin to work again soon. I believe that studying abroad will absolutely lead my thoughts to a more advanced level.

//主要的修改: 將最後一句改成比較符合前後文邏輯。

 

I have reviewed the curriculum of more than 15 schools, and studied each school’s characteristics and teaching techniques carefully. I think your school suits me the most in every way. I am very interested in your International Management’s courses, such as “Business in an International Perspective”, “Marketing Communications and Marketing in an International Perspective”. I have decided to take your elective “Globalization and the Management of Labour”, “International Marketing”, “Asian Business Systems and International Business Ethics” to reinforce my understanding in business. The great living environment and the perfect school facilities are all very attracted to me.

 // 幾乎沒有修改這一段。 除了把課名加上""

 

As one of Newton’s saying: “If I have seen a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants”. I believe that in addition to working experiences, the vocational advising and fundamental theories will make me stand higher. And I am certain that your rich course selections, resources and the professional teaching could be the giant’s shoulder in my career.

I sincerely appreciate your consideration regarding my application and I shall look forward to hearing from you soon.

  //艘為改善用字而已。

 

 

 

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